I am shy and withdrawn, I've always kept to myself way too scared to let anyone criticize me, I've given up far too many times because my self confidence was so low, I knew I'd never make it anywhere.
A few years have passed now, graduated High School, forced into work, realized people aren't as scary as they seem (most the time) I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I can see the effect it had on my life and who I was. I am ready to become who I want.
Bipolar disorder controlled every part of my life, mentally I hated myself, I knew something was wrong with me but this was normal, hurting myself was normal, hurting the people I loved was normal. Waking up in the morning and telling my mom I was sick because I had no motivation to get out of bed was normal, 45% absences was normal. Some days I'd draw, other days I'd rip out every page of my journal because I was useless and bad at everything and I'd never amount to anything.
I spent my whole life looking for ways to avoid triggering it, I shut everyone out, I refused to do anything, a routine day of sleep, wake up, eat and school. It didn't help, I remember looking over and seeing that cute boy in my class looking at me, the one I wish I had the confidence to go up to him and say something, but all I saw was judgment and hatred and I knew deep in the back of my head he was disgusted by me. Some days I wish I had the strength to end my life, Some days I wished I had that strength I have now, the strength I convinced myself I had because it's what I needed to survive, part of me thinks it's all because of the loving boyfriend I have, living every day just to make sure I live another day with him, I wish he knew what a difference he made in my life.
Now I can not say I am perfect and it's not being "treated" I refused to live on pills but from where I was before I am the happiest I have ever been.